When I escape

Knots in the throat
At the point of overwhelm
And when I should be crying out
I am programmed to go quiet

Being vocal about my feelings and needs
Is not something that is easy for me
Let alone realising it internally for myself...

Krishna
I rely on him to show me the mirror
When I evade seeing my own truth
Krishna
The one who makes it easy
For me to face the crux of matters
And thus be released from their choking grip
Krishna
The one I believe sees without needing to be shown
The one who listens without needing to be told
The one who shows up without me even knowing I wanted somebody to...

Oh how then can I seek this in a person
When I myself am unable to be so
What then do I seek from a person
When I wish to connect with them
Who then may I be
When I choose to be with another
Why then do I yearn to be with
When I know its improbabilities
Where then do I draw the line
When I seek to know another
When then do I stop
When I come upon a block...

Questions
With no readymade answers
And this is why I gotta live them
That I may know
And perhaps discover a world real
Beyond the limits of my imagination...

Not my Load

'Ah that was quite rude!
'She shouldn't have spoken that way..
'He could've said the same thing so much more politely..
'I wonder how her words impacted them..
'Can he not be more considerate in choosing his words?
'I wonder how I can communicate this..
'I wonder if I could've done something to avoid this...
'I wonder if she can take it..
'I wonder if he will understand..
'I wonder if...
'I wonder..
'I.

Not my Load.



Such is the state of unsolicited absorbing thoughts which tend to have a grip on me at times and graduate to choke my space with things beyond my control; except until very recently (day before yesterday) when I became aware of this and three words rang loud and clear: NOT MY LOAD.

This came as a natural consequence of giving the Universe a tiny thought: 'Could you take care of this?' And there arose a deep knowing: 'HECK YEAH!'



When I see another behave irrationally or rudely or irresponsibly, I tend to get into an intense thought process of how it could have been better or how I may communicate the unfair behavior to the person in question, only to then feel heavy about it all.

Who am I?
With my limited reach, what do I expect to be able to do except only worrying and wasting precious energy over an otherwise non-issue?
 
Not my Load.
The Universe is there for all of that, so I softly let the heaviness slide off of me into the care of the Universe.



This episode with a sweeping sense of relief, shattered my slippery sense of control over events that arise out of others' actions and the slippery sense of control I try to exert in trying hard to soften assumed consequences. Not my Load.

Three words, that make me instantly drop such draining series of thoughts and realise that the Universe (sum of all of us) has a capacity far greater, far clearer and far far more benevolent than I could ever imagine to achieve so I might as well relax and drop all such proud tomfoolery and learn to let every person carry their own load, a load which they may or may not notice, a load that I may only be conjuring up and as such every load that I may trust the Universe to take care of in any case. Because Universe has its ways to distribute the load and exert it in places where in actuality it can cause reform exactly when it is meant to.

Thank you.

So every time that we may find ourselves getting caught up in a stream of thoughts beyond our purview, remember to say: Not my Load, and pour them smilingly into the Universe's care :)



Psychic Knowing

Hello!
This post is inspired by a cognizance of a recovery of something I choose to at this moment call Psychic Knowing.

So. To have a context to understand where this comes from and where it perhaps may go, I have been on a pseudo-break from the usual occupation that kept me sapped in time and energy for the large part of every week. With time I sensed something amiss, essentially in my own capacity to be large hearted or large minded in dealing with moments of stress. Yes, stress became a large part of my life in every way possible and I did not realise that I was letting it remain. Somewhere I came to understand that I needed the time and space to distance myself a bit and have the energy to deal with things healthily. Burnout? I was on the way. Time for a Brake!

The urge for a break became too intense to be delayed or even managed and here I am at the other side of the stipulated period- I was asked many a times what was my plan next and all I said was for two months I shall do nothing. Innately I knew I had to let myself ease a bit so the daily habitual schedule of almost three and a half years could recede a bit so I may then find some space that I may call free that could naturally help me be able to connect with the unadulterated me or the universe (same thing?).

Exactly a day after the stipulated two months of so-assumed do-nothing period, which was the day before yesterday, I had a breakthrough (immense gratitude to the energies that be) which I call so, for the basic fact that I found myself able to connect in essence with select texts that I spontaneously picked in resonance with the highest sense of me that I at the moment seem to be consciously developing. Please note that I sense at this moment, that all these limitations of time and thoughts are a construct to be able to experience the magic of existence in this beautiful concoction of life on planet earth and also that I do not think I am confident yet of being ambitious beyond a safe limit.

So without further ado, let me share at least two clear moments of Psychic Knowing that I have had the experience of becoming cognizant of to start with.

One, a week ago, when a certain friend who had been suffering from suicidal thoughts left messages of goodbye and I freaked out thinking she was upto something but having no way to do anything I resigned myself to thoughts of helplessness. On the other hand, my inner self was very calm, I did not FEEL helpless or WORRISOME and if I had gone by that inner knowing I wouldn't even have had those thoughts. I remember even clearly remarking that internally I don't sense any unsettling foreboding. The same was proved within two days when she called up and in fact sounded very healthy and happy and went a step further to remind me that I needed to first take care of myself and learn to say no when I clearly cannot attend to something. This truly helped me so much and I almost daily send out a note of thanks to her and imagine myself writing to her of my daily improvement in this regard. I'm still just getting there so I will let it arise when it most naturally does! This knowing is something I precisely stopped having any sense of, with very little to no time spent on any kind of reflection or cognizance of my internal world- basically exactly what I found myself missing and lacking in increased degree.

Two, just yesterday, when I got a message requesting-summoning me to the office the next day. (I am minimally engaged still for reasons aplenty but in a measured way) I found the message very cryptic for lack of context and found myself getting into worrisome and indignant thoughts as to why and for what and went on to ask about the same and worrying until the response came an hour or two later. AGAIN, the internal me somewhere resounded cheerily that it must be related to the son but I was so harrowed out of habit- something I developed towards that space (out of my own lack of self-maintenance) that I could not come to really trust and accept it. Ofcourse, when the response came, the message was indeed as an invitation for the celebration of the birthday of the son! If I had been calmer and allowed myself to even consider the inner knowing, I would've easily seen and realised that it was his date of birth after all!

So I am seeing that essentially what I missed was THIS connection. With the daily jog of life, I had ended up becoming so absorbed in gross matters that seemed endless and tiring, that I simply found myself unable to access that source of inner knowing, the universe, the god, the magic, the joy, whatever you wish to call it; the lack of which in essence, rendered anything I did or any moment of my life meaningless- THIS surely was a knowing I witnessed for almost a year and a half as I watched myself falling gradually into the abyss and saw myself becoming less and less of me; but a slide that I cut at the moment beyond which I knew it would take much much more to recover- for I have been there before and have no intention or need of re-experiencing it. Well, I hope the next time around I am more cognizant of such tendencies and with lesser attachment to my own word, I can cap it more immediately.

I have just begun back on the path of trusting the universe in surrender with a measured amount of conscious action and I wish to mark this post as a sign of those sparks of reconnection. I find myself able to begin to get a grasp onto the thoughts I hold within me like a toddler that begins to learn to hold things and get a grip on them. Dexterity. Dexterity of the mind is a skill I wish to cultivate. I noted a very fleeting cognizance of how my participation in every moment was so crucial and how in my tire-ridden-sleep-infused-daily-existence, I had merely become a powerless spectator in the tiniest of moments which in turn generated feelings of helplessness and meaninglessness; that in not responding fully to any comment or thought directed at or around me, I was letting it remain and fester and cause damage; WHICH if I only acknowledged and addressed Aikido-style in that very moment, it would transform into something more nourishing and life-giving rather than life-sucking. Wow. Thank you, Universe and all the energies that be.

I must share that I have been also reading a book at a snail pace which again I found myself to deeply begin to connect with (and I have only just gone beyond the halfway mark by the way) since just day before yesterday, my so-alluded day of recovery! Therein I have been fortunate enough to find my fill of pointed answers to intermittent questions born of some or the other altercation with another. So allow me a moment of immense gratitude to the Autobiography Of A Yogi, by Paramhansa Yogananda and all the masters whose prowess and magnanimous deeds fill the pages of the book with notable mention of Sri Yukteshwar, Lahiri Mahasaya, Trailanga and without doubt the author self of Paramhansa Yogananda. A chapter at a time, I hope to imbibe the wisdom woven through the pages and internalise it for posterity, of course only with the blessings of the masters _/\_

In essence, I am in the process of allowing the clutter of gross thoughts to clear so I may tune back into the ever present messages and guidance of the universe that hold us all lovingly and patiently in every moment (*)

If this post resonates with you, I'd be glad to hear from you about your own ways to stay connected to the essence of life and all that nourishes you and helps you stay ever-awesome.



Kriya Yoga

The following text is an excerpt from 'Autobiography of a Yogi' by Paramhansa Yogananda. His elaboration on his Guru Sri Yukteshwar's workings and thoughts are something truly delightful and worthy of admiration _/\_

"Kriya Yoga is an instrument through which human evolution can be quickened," Sri Yukteswar explained to his students. "The ancient yogis discovered that the secret of cosmic consciousness is intimately linked with breath mastery. This is India's unique and deathless contribution to the world's treasury of knowledge. The life force, which is ordinarily absorbed in maintaining the heart-pump, must be freed for higher activities by a method of calming and stilling the ceaseless demands of the breath.

The Kriya Yogi mentally directs his life energy to revolve, upward and downward, around the six spinal centers (medullary, cervical, dorsal, lumbar, sacral, and coccygeal plexuses) which correspond to the twelve astral signs of the zodiac, the symbolic Cosmic Man. One-half minute of revolution of energy around the sensitive spinal cord of man effects subtle progress in his evolution; that half-minute of Kriya equals one year of natural spiritual unfoldment.

The astral system of a human being, with six (twelve by polarity) inner constellations revolving around the sun of the omniscient spiritual eye, is interrelated with the physical sun and the twelve zodiacal signs. All men are thus affected by an inner and an outer universe. The ancient rishis discovered that man's earthly and heavenly environment, in twelve-year cycles, push him forward on his natural path. The scriptures aver that man requires a million years of normal, diseaseless evolution to perfect his human brain sufficiently to express cosmic consciousness.

One thousand Kriya practiced in eight hours gives the yogi, in one day, the equivalent of one thousand years of natural evolution: 365,000 years of evolution in one year. In three years, a Kriya Yogi can thus accomplish by intelligent self-effort the same result which nature brings to pass in a million years. The Kriya short cut, of course, can be taken only by deeply developed yogis. With the guidance of a guru, such yogis have carefully prepared their bodies and brains to receive the power created by intensive practice.

The Kriya beginner employs his yogic exercise only fourteen to twenty-eight times, twice daily. A number of yogis achieve emancipation in six or twelve or twenty-four or forty-eight years. A yogi who dies before achieving full realization carries with him the good karma of his past Kriya effort; in his new life he is harmoniously propelled toward his Infinite Goal.

The body of the average man is like a fifty-watt lamp, which cannot accommodate the billion watts of power roused by an excessive practice of Kriya. Through gradual and regular increase of the simple and "foolproof" methods of Kriya, man's body becomes astrally transformed day by day, and is finally fitted to express the infinite potentials of cosmic energy- the first materially active expression of Spirit.

Kriya Yoga has nothing in common with the unscientific breathing exercises taught by a number of misguided zealots. Their attempts to forcibly hold breath in the lungs is not only unnatural but decidedly unpleasant. Kriya, on the other hand, is accompanied from the very beginning by an accession of peace, and by soothing sensations of regenerative effect in the spine.

The ancient yogic technique converts the breath into mind. By spiritual advancement, one is able to cognise the breath as an act of mind-- a dream-breath.

Many illustrations could be given of the mathematical relationship between man's respiratory rate and the variations in his states of consciousness. A person whose attention is wholly engrossed, as in following some closely knit intellectual argument, or in attempting some delicate or difficult physical feat, automatically breathes slowly. Fixity of attention depends on slow breathing; quick or uneven breaths are an inevitable accompaniment of harmful emotional states: fear, lust, anger. The restless monkey breathes at the rate of 32 times a minute, in contrast to man's average of 18 times. The elephant, tortoise, snake and other animals noted for their longevity have a respiratory rate which is less than man's. The tortoise, for instance, who may attain the age of 300 years, breathes only 4 times per minute.

The rejuvenating effects of sleep are due to man's temporary unawareness of body and breathing. The sleeping man becomes a yogi; each night he unconsciously performs the yogic rite of releasing himself from bodily identification, and of merging the life force with healing currents in the main brain region and the six sub-dynamos of his spinal centers. The sleeper thus dips unknowingly into the reservoir of cosmic energy which sustains all life.

The voluntary yogi performs a simple, natural process consciously, not unconsciously like the slow-paced sleeper. The Kriya Yogi uses his technique to saturate and feed all his physical cells with undecaying light and keep them in a magnetized state. He scientifically makes breath unnecessary, without producing the states of subconscious sleep or unconsciousness.

By Kriya, the outgoing life force is not wasted and abused in the senses, but constrained to reunite with subtler spinal energies. By such reinforcement of life, the yogi's body and brain cells are electrified with the spiritual elixir. Thus he removes himself from studied observance of natural laws, which can only take him-- by circuitous means as given by proper food, sunlight, and harmonious thoughts-- to a million-year Goal. It needs twelve years of normal healthful living to effect even slight perceptible change in brain structure, and a million solar returns are exacted to sufficiently refine the cerebral tenement for manifestation of cosmic consciousness.

Untying the cord of breath which binds the soul to the body, Kriya serves to prolong life and enlarge the consciousness to infinity. The contemplative mind, attempting its return to divinity, is constantly dragged back toward the senses by the life currents. Kriya, controlling the mind directly through the life force, is the easiest, most effective, and most scientific avenue of approach to the Infinite. In contrast to the slow, uncertain "bullock cart" theological path to God, Kriya may justly be called the "airplane" route.

The yogic science is based on an empirical consideration of all forms of concentration and meditation exercises. Yoga enables the devotee to switch off or on, at will, life current from the five sense telephones of sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. Attaining this power of sense-disconnection, the yogi finds it simple to unite his mind at will with divine realms or with the world of matter. No longer is he unwillingly brought back by the life force to the mundane sphere of rowdy sensations and restless thoughts. Master of his body and mind, the Kriya Yogi ultimately achieves victory over the "last enemy," death.

So shalt thou feed on Death, that feeds on men:
And Death once dead, there's no more dying then.
--Shakespeare: Sonnet #146

The life of an advanced Kriya Yogi is influenced, not by effects of past actions, but solely by directions from the soul. The devotee thus avoids the slow, evolutionary monitors of egoistic actions, good and bad, of common life, cumbrous and snail-like to the eagle hearts.

The superior method of soul living frees the yogi who, shorn of his ego-prison, tastes the deep air of omnipresence. The thralldom of natural living is, in contrast, set in a pace humiliating. Conforming his life to the evolutionary order, a man can command no concessionary haste from nature but, living without error against the laws of his physical and mental endowment, still requires about a million years of incarnating masquerades to know final emancipation.

The telescopic methods of yogis, disengaging themselves from physical and mental identifications in favor of soul-individuality, thus commend themselves to those who eye with revolt a thousand thousand years. This numerical periphery is enlarged for the ordinary man, who lives in harmony not even with nature, let alone his soul, but pursues instead unnatural complexities, thus offending in his body and thoughts the sweet sanities of nature. For him, two times a million years can scarce suffice for liberation.

Gross man seldom or never realises that his body is a kingdom, governed by Emperor Soul on the throne of the cranium, with subsidiary regents in the six spinal centers or spheres of consciousness. This theocracy extends over a throng of obedient subjects: twenty-seven thousand billion cells-- endowed with a sure if automatic intelligence by which they perform all duties of bodily growths, transformations, and dissolutions-- and fifty million substratal thoughts, emotions, and variations of alternating phases in man's consciousness in an average life of sixty years. Any apparent insurrection of bodily or cerebral cells toward Emperor Soul, manifesting as disease or depression, is due to no disloyalty among the humble citizens, but to past or present misuse by man of his individuality or free will, given to him simultaneous with a soul, and revocable never.

Identifying himself with a shallow ego, man takes for granted that it is he who thinks, wills, feels, digests meals, and keeps himself alive, never admitting through reflection (only a little would suffice!) that in his ordinary life he is naught but a puppet of past actions (karma) and of nature or environment. Each man's intellectual reactions, feelings, moods, and habits are circumscribed by effects of past causes, whether of this or a prior life. Lofty above such influences, however, is his regal soul. Spurning the transitory truths and freedoms, the Kriya Yogi passes beyond all disillusionment into his unfettered Being. All scriptures declare man to be not a corruptible body, but a living soul; by Kriya he is given a method to prove the scriptural truth.

"Outward ritual cannot destroy ignorance, because they are not mutually contradictory," wrote Shankara in his famous Century of Verses. "Realised knowledge alone destroys ignorance. . . .Knowledge cannot spring up by any other means than inquiry. 'Who am I? How was this universe born? Who is its maker? What is its material cause?' This is the kind of inquiry referred to." The intellect has no answer for these questions; hence the rishis evolved yoga as the technique of spiritual inquiry.

My Boyfriend

I find myself saying many a times that there is nothing between us as such.. and maybe it has a lot to do with distance..

Or, is it that things are just so aligned that I'm simply taking too many things for granted?

For it to be so-called 'something' would it perhaps mean a stirring, something different that one strongly feels and is made to feel at all times or so the soaps show.. In that case what comes to mind is the calm, the strength, the focus that I seem to have settled into and continue to feel strongly once he entered my life cognizantly.

Now, what are the things I am taking for granted-

One, that he totally gets my rant and passion for social issues and raises no question whatsoever on it because his level is way beyond mine in it so it's almost a non issue and in essence he lets me be and comes along to calm me down when I go overboard with my rage and drop down in rare moments to abusing.

Two, he listens to and accepts decisions I make without trying to exercise any control whatsoever and occasionally cajoles me into a decision when I am confused.

Three, he very softly shows that he cares by checking on me daily in different ways and really trying his bit to make me feel better when I'm upset about anything.

Four, he is honest about his own state at all times thus keeping it very real right from the beginning and in every moment.

Five, he doesn't show aversion towards family and despite any discomfort he may have being the introvert he is, he has always gone out of his way to water that contact.

Six, he makes it a point to give doses of sensuality on and off and he is very funny and charming when he does that! It's a great reminder of all the possibilities we can explore when together.

Seven, he is his own person with his own unique thoughts and insights so deep that they bore into a whole different world that is so much more transparent, open and loving.

Eight, he does not limit his care to a few set of people only but makes it a point to show his concern for even the remotest person who may be suffering.

Nine, his communication. This won me over right at the beginning. He never leaves me wondering about his absence if at any point he is to be unavailable except when he is very ill in which case I reserve the liberty to contact his brother. This matters so much because I have to barely waste my energy or time just wondering why he may be unreachable.

Ten, I love his voice. When he speaks, it is like Assurance Itself manifest resonating somewhere deep within. I am guilty of many a times only enjoying his voice so much that I miss grasping the content of what he speaks in its entirety.

Now that I have started noting it all down, there are countless little things that are arising to the surface that show me what keeps me drawn to him so strongly despite my little self thinking otherwise when in times of distraught disconnect. There are the things he has really worked on at his end that initially annoyed me no end. Then there are the ways he works around my own eccentricities and limitations instead of blaming or shaming me for them. There is also the fact that I do not feel inhibited to express my anger or frustration at him and strangely I have never done that before with anyone because somehow I felt it would crush the other person but I am easing up on this bit in general now. Then there is the knowing that in order to be able to be with him, I don't have a sense of any kind of separation required from my own family or the world. And then, at no instance has he tried to control or manipulate me into worrying about who I talk to or interact with or meet. Such are the things which are so easy to overlook because my individuality and sense of freedom has somehow stayed intact and even become enhanced alongwith having a sense of belonging with him. There is something or the other to work on for sure and becoming aware of these privileges I hold, I hope I can do as much and more for him too.

So, it is true, that we indeed do not have much between us as per the unrealistic standards set by films and soaps and dreamy desires of our societal adolescent selves but I was wrong or let's say it was my perception that was misplaced. In reality, we have a lot going on in a direction very true and in the most real way possible which we can call our own. I could not have asked for anything better than this particularly unique moment of time and space. Thank you!

SEGOA

To root one with one's most truest self
To root one with one's most real self
To root one with one's most honest self
So that in authenticity, we may be

Friend

Your friend is your needs answered.
(S)He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And (s)he is your board and your fireside.
For you to come to her/him with your hunger, and you seek her/him for peace.

When your friend speaks her/his mind you fear not the 'nay' in your own mind, nor do you withhold the 'ay'.
And when (s)he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to her/his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in her/him may be clearer in her/his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.
If (s)he must know the ebb of your tide, let her/him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek her/him with hours to kill?
Seek her/him always with hours to live.
For it is her/his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

--Kahlil Gibran 

Thunderflower

Amazing it was to find that a master with such a fiery will could be so calm within. He fitted the Vedic definition of a man of God:

"Softer than the flower, where kindness is concerned;
Stronger than the thunder, where principles are at stake."

There are always those in this world who, in Browning's words, "endure no light, being themselves obscure." An outsider occasionally berated Sri Yukteshwar for an imaginary grievance. My imperturbable guru listened politely, analyzing himself to see if any shred of truth lay within the denunciation. These scenes would bring to my mind one of Master's inimitable observations: "Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others!"

The unfailing composure of a saint is impressive beyond any sermon. "He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city."

I often reflected that my majestic Master could easily have been an emperor or world-shaking warrior had his mind been centered on fame or worldly achievement. He had chosen instead to storm those inner citadels of wrath and egotism whose fall is the height of a man.

(Excerpted from 'Autobiography of a YOGI,' by Paramhansa Yogananda)

Me too

In the spirit of the metoo movement, here goes:

I must have been 7 or maximum 9. We were travelling by flight and dad happened to meet and greet a man jovially and everyone was happy and smiling, must have been a friend. We boarded the flight. There were 2 rows of 3 seats each with an aisle in the middle. Elder bro, mom and dad settled on one side. Younger bro, me and that man settled on the other. I wanted the window seat but my bro was faster than me. We belt ourselves in and the flight takes off. I dont know at what point, a palm began to slide under my buttock. I look up and innocently wonder if that man is looking for something he may have dropped. He was looking indifferently in the front. I got confused. He slid it complete under my left buttock and let it remain there. By then I went kinda blank but knew something was wrong (and yet not thaaaaat wrong?) He was a friend, and yet this didn't seem right so I tried to look towards my parents across the aisle, stretching with difficulty from my seat. (this scene is etched in my mind so much that I can still experience the helplessness even today) I couldn't catch their attention and somehow I just couldn't find my voice. When that didn't work, his palm was still under me while I tried to lift myself off from the seat as much as possible, (my little self meanwhile kept wondering how come my parents can't see or know I am in difficulty- without me even having said a word). I then turned to my brother on my right and literally begged him in desperation to exchange seats with me PLEASE. He agreed after some hesitation and it was then over. (Today I really wonder if I put him into a bad situation because pedophiles don't see gender, someday I will talk to him about it)

Somehow that incident led to many many things. I stopped trusting anyone, even my parents because for my little mind, they called a jerk their friend. I became very quiet as a child and it lasted in extreme until recent years. I withdrew from the world and all things related to the body. I became very thoughtful and a keen observant of people and how much of what they said matched the actual truth of things.

I am 29 today and I cried about this incident only a year or two ago and I feel regret for not having fully been able to live my childhood or been more carefree. A lot of traits still continue but I am learning to recognise and work on myself for dropping learned defenses and rediscovering my original child self. I also ponder many a times why I couldn't have just told my parents about this or found my voice when it happened. I can't say I know for sure but usually in Indian households, all such matters are unhealthily hushed. I just escaped from the world and participated only as much as would allow people to leave me alone. I held a lot of quiet rage against my parents for a long time  because I felt they never really listened to me and today I strongly feel that children need a space/ healthy adults where they can just talk about anything that bothers them without being shushed or given the bull of society. I am still trying to figure out how much of it shaped me and what I should let go of and whether I am over reacting sometimes but when it comes to children, I wish to do for them what I did not have when it could have helped me grow through my childhood healthily.

There were other tiny incidents here and there constantly reinforcing the experience that I really couldn't trust anyone and the fact that there really is no one who can watch out for you but you. At the same time somehow even as a child I always believed people are good in essence so I tried to make attempts to understand why people behaved the way they did (this also helped me come to terms with my parents' apparent neglect) and today with years and experiences gone past, I try to see things as they are without burdening myself with good or bad.

The churn continues.

Bon Voyage

Going on a vacation from all things false
A voyage to rediscover that which enthralls

My friend Krishna

I do not clearly know when-
When you appeared as a friend~

It has been more than 15 years now
And my love for you only seems to grow

I wax and wane like the moon
In my remembrance of you now and then
But you,
You remain rooted in my heart
Irrespective,
Just like the sun

I apologise for all the times I looked over you
While you hung around, just in case
I apologise for all the times I ignored you
While you showed up unequivocally, for my case
I apologise for all those times that I'd forgotten you
While you kept me in your thoughts, in any case
And I apologise for every moment that I denied you
While you always stood with open arms to embrace the ugliest of me, in every case

It is to you I run
When I run from the attacks of the world
It is to you I run
When I run from suicidal thoughts unfurled
It is to you I run
When I run from all that seems untrue
And it is to you that I will return
When my time here is due

O Krishna!
In my selfishness I always ask you
To remain by my side- through thick and thin
For even though I grow,
The child in me I can never outgrow
I know that in your shelter, I shall ever bloom
For without your loving grace, I shall only wither and meet doom
I don't care for death to call on my door
But what I dread, is the death of my soul even as I may live
I cannot imagine a fate worse than that
One which would have my doors closed to you

So in times when I shut down in fear
Come like a storm and break through my defences
And in times when doubt plagues my being
Strike like a bolt to shatter my offences
Teach me to live
Again and again
In trust and in love
Of all that is
And for all that is

O Krishna,
My dear friend,
Please count on me
To stand by your side
When treachery prevails
Please allow me
To reach out to you
When misery pervades
Please give me the strength
To lift out and set free
When shackles bind
And please trust in me
To let me be your friend
When enemies unite

They say- Give me troubles that I may never forget you!
I say- Give me yourself that I may never need anything else
For in your company,
Life takes on an adventurous tone
And in your company,
Every moment becomes a magical note
In your company, Oh Krishna!
Even the wretched smile
And your company, O Krishna!
Outweighs every and all the treasures combined.
 
On this celebratory day of recalling your divine birth,
May I present you with this improperly cooked verse
Please take pity and cherish each byte with full relish
Hope you receive it in enthusiasm and unbidden joy
And with your generous guffaw coupled with thy hearty slap on le back
May I be blessed in making thee thus this present~






Epitaph

The following is an excerpt from Paulo Coelho's 'The Zahir':

'..what if I could choose an epitaph? I would ask to have these words engraved:

He died while he was still alive.

That might sound like a contradiction in terms, but I knew many people who had ceased to live, even though they continued to work and eat and engage in their usual social activities. They did everything automatically, oblivious to the magic moment that each day brings with it, never stopping to think about the miracle of life, never understanding that the next minute could be their last on the face of this planet.'

O Dear Universe,
Let me never find myself in that space where I have died before dying... and if it were to happen so, please remember to remind me and shake me back into life and joy!!

Dreams Reignited

Cool monsoon breezes,
Lending comfort to the withering soul;
Gently lure buried dreams,
Out of their deep slumber~

Stamp

Going around every moment
Stamping a mark of self's existence
Crushing other selves
Under the weight of self-importance
Borne out of a deep sense of worthlessness
Crushing life
Under the weight of proving right
Borne of the wrongs piled on

Yes, this exists
And I have only begun to see
How it saps all energy
From the one who sees
If only I learnt to speak
In a manner engaging
Lest I end up only trying to pierce raised defenses
No, I must speak
In a manner hurtless
If only I can figure out how
Before I lose it completely

Universe (*)

Silence, Why?

Fear of commitment
Fear of not knowing enough
Thought of not being good enough..

Fear of being silenced
Fear of going unheard
Thought that someone else speaking is enough..

Fear of expectations
Fear of saying no
Thought that it doesn't matter..

Fear of speaking the truth
Fear of hearing one's own truth
Thought of disturbing the apparent equilibrium..

Fear of one's power
Fear of another's power
Thought that we are powerless..

Fear of being the only one speaking
Fear of being taken for granted
Thought that everyone is silent, so why bother..

Shift

Just getting tired of being anything other than me.

On Commitment

Excerpted from Jonathan Field's Good Life Project emailer:

Hey there,

There’s this question that keeps coming up…

“Hey J,” I’m asked…

“I committed to doing X, but now things have changed, I realize the reasons that led me to make the commitment are no longer valid and I really loathe having to keep doing it. What do I do?”

Couple-a-thoughts here. And, as always, hold them loosely!

We all make commitments based on two things, right?

(1) what we know (haha, like we really ever know anything), and

(2) what we think we know (oy, if I had $1 for everything I thought I knew)

Once we get deeper into a commitment, two things happen...

One - a solid chunk of what we were “sure” we knew turns out to be wrong. A circumstance is not what we thought it was, a person or partner or resource isn’t what what thought. Or, gulp, we aren’t who we thought and we don’t feel the way we thought we would.

It’s like Mark Twain supposedly said, “it ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” (and, btw, even that quote, nobody’s entirely sure it was Twain. Oh, the #irony!).

And, two - a solid chunk of what we admitted from the get-go was a complete leap of faith, well that ends up being anywhere from a teensy bit off to profoundly, entirely, utterly, capital-letters WRONG.

Now, sometimes these things are wrong in ways that - taken as a whole - still preserve our original motivation for saying hell yes in the first place. So, we stay. We keep the commitment, because our original motivation for it remain intact, even though some of the details have shifted.

But, other times, we find ourselves in this place where reality is all...

“this is NOT what I agreed to and I NEVER would of said yes if I’d know [insert yada yada yada here] before I got started.”

And, the thing is, it’s not even about anyone being underhanded or nefarious (seriously, been wanting to use that word since like 1994). Sometimes, things just change, murkiness becomes clarity, facts become clear, circumstances evolve. In fact, the thing that may have changed most is, um, well, you, your own personal circumstance, clarity about what you want, how much time and energy you really have and what you’re willing to work or sacrifice for.

That’s all okay. Question is, when this happens, what are you going to DO about it?

As with everything, I don’t have all the answers, but here’s something to play with…

If you had to make the decision now, knowing what you know, would you still have said yes?

If the answer is no, then start working on figuring out how to exit as gracefully as possible. If you can do it with integrity, minimal disruption and effort, make it happen fast. If you were “duped” into saying yes by the misrepresentations of others, staying with something or someone out of a sense of obligation to those who’ve misled you is not a reason to remain in the game.

If others have committed resources, investment, effort and made sacrifices on the basis of your original yes, then it’ll likely take more time to figure out how to put together the pieces in a way that will let you make your exit with integrity. That may mean recruiting other resources, people or assets to step in, bring a project to place where the impact of your departure is easier to weather. Setting up and documenting systems and processes to allow someone else to step in may be a part of that process.

Now, we should also talk about another situation. The one where you’re committed to play a part in something that is really hard, shows no real possibility of getting better, but it is something you feel a certain moral, ethical or familiar obligation to stick with. We see this often with commitments to people, groups or communities in dire need, or family members in need.

If the obligation, here, comes largely from a place of shame or guilt or any other personally-destructive motivation, or if it leads you to be in a place of genuine physical or emotional harm, that’s not the reason to stay the course.

But, if it comes from a more genuine place of love, compassion, gratitude, service or even, for some, a sense of fairness, then, even if we’d really rather bow out or be doing a million other things, there’s a real reason to stay in it. At that point, our job becomes:

Making the situation as good/nourishing as it can be, Rebuilding the circumstances of our lives AROUND that commitment to allow us to be as physically and psychologically okay as we can be while we ride the wave of our commitment AND Knowing that this is a decision we’ve made to honor the commitment and all that comes with it, for reasons that are meaningful to us.

These elements are really important, because they lay the foundation for us to continue on from a place of intentionality and agency, rather than victimhood. They allow sacrifice to more readily transmute to meaning. That doesn’t necessarily make things easier, but can make them better.

Okay, sooooo, wow, that was WAAAAYYYY longer than I’d expected. Guess I had something to get out.

Thank you JF!!!!!

Who

"Who am I?"

Asked the little one

"Who are you not?"

Replied the Universe

The Child and The Universe

Reminiscing the Universe in me,
That held earth in its loving embrace at a time..
The child in me now, weeps.

Wailing, to be held and assured,
Insecure and frightened,
She cries herself until the lull of sleep takes over.

Upon awaking though,
All she sees again is the dark
It doesn't seem to go away!
And her tears start flowing again unbidden.

With outstretched arms,
Waiting to be lifted in a warm swoop of affection- the reassuring embrace she remembers so fondly,
She cannot help but keep crying in despair..
Waiting for the Universe in me to awaken~

SEGOA 28 March 2018

Truest deepest most heartfelt dream:
Living in connection with nature

Most valued:
Being connected

Most feared:
Forgetting the beauty of life

Most loved:
Being le truest self

Owl

Nature, the most tangibly real
Even a moment of disconnect
Creates a deep unrest

Yesterday, a vision
Of an owl
Arose

One who rests in hours not her own
One who takes flight once the moment is known

Deeply serene
In its perch of knowing wait
Sweepingly graceful
In its search of unknowing fate

Happy Realisation Day

Marriage

'Marriage has a higher purpose; it can be more than just a political alliance.'

To begin with, it is not a necessity; there should be no compulsion to get married. There's nothing worse than being married to the wrong person. You should only get married if you find someone you admire, who will help you understand and fulfil your life's purpose. And you, in turn, can help her fulfil her life's purpose. If you're able to find that one person, then marry her.'

'Even if all people think polygamy is right, it doesn't make it so.'
'You insult your wife by taking another.'

Her eyes softened in admiration. A charged silence filled the room.

--Excerpts from Amish' Scion of Ikshvaku

The Little Gestures



This is about the time I experienced a rare sense of comfort and luxury inside a rickshaw!

What was even more endearing was how the rickver said that these days people work majorly on computers and their backs are under stress so this is an effort to relieve that pain if only for a few minutes. Wow.

It's so very much the little things, little gestures and thoughts that add beauty and charm to the overall human experience <3

This is a prompt for every one of us to see how in our work, we can bring comfort and ease for those we serve.

It is the leetle things always, all ways :)

And I open to you

You fall sick
And I open to you
You get vulnerable
And I open to you
You show concern
And I open to you
You get disturbed
And I open to you
You share music
And I open to you
And opening to you moment to moment
I come to adore you more and more

Yes there are moments when I doubt
Yes there are moments that I despise
Yes there are moments when I tear up
Yet there are moments when I hope
Yet there are moments that I desire
Yet there are moments when I wonder
And delight in this impossible possibility
That unfolds itself even as I may think otherwise

Validate

When they validate you personally
They deny you in public
And when they validate you publicly
They deny you at a personal level
All of that validation only for some personal gain
And you simply allow it seeing in it no pain
Gradually to come to see and realise
And come to accept all the lies
That you told yourself all along
Under some god forsaken pretext of always wanting to be around
Just in case

So well
Validation is not something you ever needed anyway
Only an honest witnessing as you are allowed to let be in your own way
Only a gentle presence
A true witness in essence
Who can see and let you see
All that you are and can be
Who can hold and let you hold
All your moments warm and cold
Who can speak and let you speak
Anything you'd otherwise only squeak
Who can...
Not who must
For, a must can only with time rust
And create friction between the you that you are and the you that they see
So if they 'can'
It can, instead, lead to a willing choice
To fill the gap between the you that you are and the you that you see
For, what they see is only a fragment, from their own limitation
But what you see is the only thing that can get closest to seeing it all
So validate all if you will
But let it be in the spirit of letting be

Power

Knowledge is power indeed
But the greatest power comes from love
Because love listens
Love accepts
Love does not pretend or deceive

Affluence, She chased me

Affluence, she chased me
And all I did was flee

Affluence, she looked intimidating
And me, I could only keep running

Affluence, every time she closed in
My heart raced with an unending din

Affluence oh Affluence
What scared me thence

Affluence oh Affluence
You bore upon me whence

Affluence oh Affluence
I wish to run away no more hence

Affluence, she chased I reckon
Towards abundance for me to beckon

Affluence, she appeared intimidating
Because abundance I have been fearing

Affluence, when she got near
To see abundance I did fear

Affluence oh Affluence
You loved me thence

Affluence oh Affluence
Greet me you shall again whence

Affluence oh Affluence
Embrace you I shall hence

THIS!

Yesterday,
I felt like I met myself after a long long time
How? I try to remember and recall
What is it that made me express or feel so?

Well, so for a long time I have been feeling like I am losing the quality of my being,
In layman terms, I feel as if I am becoming a worse person
As I brood on this, now and again
Just yesterday I reached a moment
That conclusively was declaring me as a lost case
And that very moment
A voice within roared!
NO!
Just keep trying,
Keep working at it.

Just as a knife has to be sharpened to maintain its own sharpness,
So does a person ought to work at sharpening its own sense of self
Clearing off dirt as it naturally gathers and shall
There is no reason to wallow or think it is lost

And that is precisely where
I felt I met myself
The part of me that never loses hope
That strives to stay alive and fierce in its presence
That allows one not to be hopeless
The one that cheers one up from within
The one that is most connected with the magic of the Universe

It is so easy to get absorbed in various activities
Doing this or that
And if nothing then thinking about it all
But when that moment appears
Where you are just being
In touch with the pulse of life,
Oh THAT!
THIS is what makes one come alive!
And celebrate and rejoice in abandon~

More of THIS please!
   

The Bridge Builder

Hey Reema,

I normally really enjoy your posts and am always moved by their beauty and sensitivity.

I was disturbed by your post today and the seeming callousness of it. I'm sure it came from a great place and so I wanted to see if I could clarify some of your questions.

I'm sure you've read of the affair at hand - the very intentional defiling of the statue of a Dalit leader just a day before a huge Dalit celebration. At the celebration itself there was a group of right wing hindutva activists who began attacking this peaceful gathering. Injuring many and killing two (one in police and media reports).

I've a very dear friend who is a young Dalit activist and he was present at this meeting. And watched his friend who is about our age die right in front of him. I asked him if he was going to protest today and whether I could join him. He came home instead and went on to explain why it wouldn't be safe to go and the extent of state violence against Dalit protestors.

By his account and I could easily take his word for it, almost, if not every single person at the protests today knows why they are out there. Even the Dalit community and the leaders including Prakash ambedkar do not support violence. Hence it is only empty best buses targeted. The violence at display - which is not one I promote either - is an act of self expression - of a community that has been and continues to be gravely oppressed and marginalized.

An act of protest physically manifest through the body - a body that is consistently attacked and humiliated. It is hard for me to understand this violence because I have never experienced it in my life. But for this youth, that sees state and other violence inflicted on their community every single day - violence takes on another meaning - one to express outrage, one to mark the call of defense and strength. I do not encourage it but I do encourage you and other friends on your comments to empathize with it.

I don't mean to sound condescending here. I am only just learning about caste issues in india and I just wanted to share some of what I learned. These are not protestors who are out there from the lack of anything to do. These are protestors out there braving arrest or worse state / rift wing violence to make a show of power and rights that they are perpetually denied.

I'd be happy to speak more about it if you feel something I said was unjust. Hope you're doing well, hugs.

Oh wow, thank you so very much for shining a light on this ((*))

Seeing how it comes from an understanding developed with a very real and close experience of one who directly suffers by itself is more than enough to have anyone pay attention to what you have shared and I reallyyy thank you for sharing the same. This definitely adds much depth and insight to what occurred yesterday. I did note the fact that no human life was lost and I am still marinating and processing the act. I would love to know more! I am myself very very amateur if we are to look at an understanding of caste issues.

Let me now take it one at a time.

Im amazed and thankful to firstly get to know that you appreciate the posts shared from my end and I love the way you worded it 🙏

Next up, it comes as a surprise for me to know that the post may have appeared callous and it makes me reflect and is a gentle reminder of how important it is to not forget to speak from a perspective of the whole instead of taking sides. So thank you again. Honestly, I see that it was an outsider's surface level response to seeming violence and honestly again I assumed and presumed it was the right wing guys at it again and I also see how easy it has become to take it for granted and lightly label any such disturbance to have come from their end, thus overriding an effort that is actually making a point as you have highlighted.

Next, yes I did read up about the defiling of the statue thanks to the post by Amita immediately after my own post. And I did read up about the death of a youngster at the celebration which was cause for grief. Again I must let you know that I had no inkling that this bandh was arranged by the Dalit community and activists. I assumed it to be another stunt from the right wing troublemakers.

Thank you again and again for highlighting the scenario and the actual intent and turn of events. Do convey my apologies to your friend and yes, apologies to you too for the ignorance of ground level facts from which the post arose.

Reading up about your perspective on this act, an expression, does surely highlight something that we missed clearly.

Lastly, you were not at all condescending and I did not find it unjust at all because you conveyed your concern most humanely and went on to highlight the reason for the same so very considerately! Truly appreciate the same and yes, I would love to know more and extend any kind of support or if it's possible to even meet your friend and maybe just do an informal interview of sorts and do a blogpost to shine a light on the consistent attacks on Dalit integrity and identity or anything else that can help, let me know.

And yes I am well, hope everything at your end is great, lots of love and regard for your spirit <3

PS: I would like to copy paste the highlights from your input in the comments section on the post, once I have your permission so all who associated with it may know of the true chain of events. Also, I am inclined to do a new post with the complete version of your message, again only with your permission. What I really love is how you managed to compassionately convey a side I ignored in my own zeal for "figuring it out" and how now it adds a much deeper dimension to actually hold this differently as an experience.

Take care, and looking forward to more!

Thank you for your open mind and caring heart. It takes a kindred soul to listen to an alternate opinion.

I wouldn't mind you using anything I wrote although it's not well written - i am generally shy of social media, id be more than happy to not be credited.

And in case of the conversation I'd love to help have many more - it is what will drive change and positivity in the future. :)

Agreed cent per cent with your latter set of words!!!

And thank you for permitting me to share your perspective, I shall credit it anonymously.

I will act on this later in the day when I can give quality time outside office commitments :D

Looking forward to everything (*)
And honoured for the kindred soul association <3 🙌🙏

❤️

Meeting at Marine Drive

A wonderful morning surprise from Akiko san and Okazu san of the Wall Art Festival fame, as we warm into the new year, right here: (click for more)

Find underneath, an english google translation (as a memoir of a precious moment) right here:

On the evening of New Year's Eve, meeting with Reema at the seaside of Mumbai Marine Lines. It is 3 minutes on foot from the station and goes to the beach. She is out of the faculty of architecture and visited an ashram school where WAF 2014 was held with introduction of Japanese friends who met while studying in Mumbai Studio. Then I support noco 2015, 2016 and the project. Currently I belong to a foundation that provides programs to improve children 's show skills and learning abilities. It is intelligent and thoughtful girl.

(picture)
The last sunset in 2017.

"Presenting the lacquer and painter" exhibition, he listened to me very interestingly.

"I think that there are children who are doing woodworking for their friends, I think they are very interested.Oh, yes, if you are thinking about a lecture, if it's SEA (a school that aims for sustainable environment and architecture) or my alma mater Oh yeah, there is a workshop where people with such a will gather ... Ah, the school which is combining with the school of Haryana State involving me is also doing interesting activities Of course, I hope I can collaborate with the foundation I am working with, "Idea comes out one after another. Her home town Katch region is a well-known place for handicrafts, and it is also very close to TSOMORIRI. Even so, I have an understanding and respect for the accumulation of time and effort in the background of handicrafts.

What is the goal of the New Year? When asked,

"People gather and want to make places where we can talk to each other, people who are alcoholic, suicide by young people, those who become lethargic with pressure from excessive parents ... darkness falls on raw I'd like to make a foundation where people with whom there is a dialogue can come out. "

I feel that Mumbai is somewhat more comfortable than Delhi, how do you feel?

"There are a lot of streets where people are walking. Of course, Mumbai is also increasingly traveling on private cars, but there are many opportunities for people to be on the street than Delhi, as local lines are also developed It is easy to move around the city so it's easy for people and people to meet and talk easily.It is a factor, but I have to leave Mumbai several times a month to go to more natural areas like Dahanu I suppose. "

(picture)
Lastly, Reema (the far right) mom and Okashima gather together and get sweets from Kachi region.

The sweetness that the spice gave me hint was super delicious.

Along the coast, people crowded with people trying to celebrate the New Year, people were also on the street.

Fireworks and firecrackers were in the vicinity of the inn.

On an Indian friend's Facebook timeline,

Hope "Fight with everyone at a party on New Year's Eve"

Reality "Spend one person in bed"

I thought that there are several kinds of images like it and I remember somewhere somewhere.

(picture)
I went to a Chinese restaurant to eat something like Toshikoshi Soba.

I heard that there are soup noodles, so I ordered it. Once with shrimp.

Thank you to everyone who came to visit this blog this year!

In 2018, Wall Art project will step forward one step at a time.

Your encouragement, thank you very much!

okazu

Woe be me

How deplorable!
The condition of one,
That needs a daily touch of connect-
To remain unperturbed,
By thoughts unkind,
That creep in and seep,
Into a mind otherwise asleep.
Woe be me!
That one is me..